This morning I woke up in a good mood, convinced that I can be a good person with a kind heart, even if I can say no. This was a soothing realization, because the way I see things, the more we focus on the pain, the more suffering continues, and if we instead focus on the lesson, we start to grow. In either case, we’re the ones making the decision. So, which way do you turn, left or right? Maybe with warmer air kinder mornings came, when I don’t really care about other people’s thoughts and the words going through their minds. Iturn my interest instead to what’s hidden underneath my shell. It’s been a while since I’ve opened it, I preferred living like a safe caterpillar in a cozy place, always wishing nobody ever findme and alsobe certain that the outside world won’t hurt me. And then I discover the small big things that make me insanely happy. I still keep Christmas stars in the living room, lights hanging on a tape above a big window and every night I think they’re my stars, full of happiness and wonderful moments, set there to remind me of how good my life actually is. And I was just looking at them yesterday in combination with candles on the balcony, which accompanied dinner while the scent of lemon and vanilla rose in the air and everything seemed even more magical.
My friend Bernarda interrupts my train of thought, as she’s calling for no particular reason, but tojust to let me know about something and I think I wishto have her here.I wouldcook her something nice, caress her soul a bit and try to teach her that she should stop now and then, notonly when she runs far away from us, but every day, when various emotional vampires suck onto her and make her crawl home on all four. Something I know all too much about. Which is why I’m saying that it was liberating to think that when you’re 40, to be kind is not always to please, bow your head and take all the garbage in the world, but rather to take care of yourself first, set your boundaries, raise a barrier and choose your friends carefully. Becauseyou realize that you really don’t need everybody. I don’t like it when people start collecting people they know and friends they want to hang out with, when it’s all so superficial they don’t know much more than about the other person than their name. I’m not one for these Instagram relationships, where it’s all beautiful on the outside and the filters are carefully chosen, but in reality there issuch an emptiness you can sink into and never find your way out.
I smile at an old friend who leaves a comment under a photo and sends me a Whatsapp message, because I know that in her heart she’s still 16, just like I am, and it doesn’t make any difference that she has two kids at home and I have one and we both have so many worries we walk around hunched underneath the burden, because the world does stop sometimes, allowing usto take a step back to when things were either black or white and our cell phones werethe size of a small baguette. But we loved it. I’m actually thinking that life is so rich and so filled with rainbow shades, so wonderfully complicated, just like those long necklaces, thatyou put in a box and when you pull them out, you realize there’s no use trying, because everything is entangled and you don’t know whether to cry or buy a new one. Decisions, my darlings, that’s all there is to it, as if someone put us in front of an endless being and made us choose wisely, but without a clue, which way is the right way to go: left or right? I have no idea, to be honest. But perhaps part of the charm is precisely in that it’s difficult to go back and sometimes it’s good to cut everyone off, forget about people, start over, give yourself another chance and become very fair, especially to what it is that you want. I spent a long time wondering what actually makes me happy and it took me a long time setting things where they belong. I lived for the summer to come, to finally see June, July and August, to finally create the life the way it sitsin my imagination, but three months are not enough, if you spent the rest of the time neglecting your soul. In the end, it’s a mild recovery, which gives you some of your strength back, but you’re still far from being your normal self.
And I remembered the airline hostesses, who always warn you to make sure your own mask is secured, before you help others, even if you sit next to your own child, because if you get badly hurt, you won’t be of any use to anybody. So I imagine life as a long flight, which lands here and there, in various places, but it’s hard to know where the final destination is. Sometimes I feel like there isn’t one, so it’s important to enjoy the flight and not think too much about what’s waiting for us at the end of the journey. Maybe we’ll never land and spend our whole lives among the clouds, far from those who safely walk on the pavement or paths well trodden. I sincerely don’t know, which one I would choose. Walking seems so endlessly boring and flying is one big mystery, but now and then you have to jump into nothingness to realize you’re still alive. I sky dived a few years ago and all I could think about the minutes before the big somersault was that I’m a complete idiot, why did I have to try this, why did I make this decision and wouldn’t it be better to just go home…But in the end, I jumped. Without a reason, out of curiosity and vanity, because sometimes you feel as though you’re eternal and invincible, but then life bringsyou to your knees. It was wonderful, full of freedom, cold, windy, magical. But I wouldn’t do it again, just like I wouldn’t repeat last weekend in Gardaland, when I stood underneath a roller coaster and thought everyone was crazy. At the same time, I forgot that I was already up there and not just once, I even let go of the safety rail, but I was in a different time in my life.
I like this moment, because I’m strongly aware of myself and it feels like I’m in the sky without a parachute. Differently. Like a woman at forty.
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