Don’t ever let anyone take away your smile. I know that smiling is sometimes the last thing on our minds, but it’s also our strongest weapon, which keeps us from showing to the world, how down we actually feel. Oftentimes, life has shown me the way and at the same time proved that a smile disarms the person that’s making your existence on this planet living hell. You simply don’t give them the pleasure to reach beyond the physical body, you set a clear distinction between the things that you share with the world and the core of your being. Nope, it’s not one and the same. There are many shades of our living on Earth and not all of them are equally intense. If you were to ask me, which color I’m in today, I would probably say white, because it’s the most neutral and very quiet in a way. I enjoy silence and I seem to look for it more and more. There are many reasons, but one predominant one is that useless and empty words I come across, oftentimes take away the fundamental happiness, like the feeling in the morning, when you just put on your clothes, get in the car and drive to work. It seems endlessly unfair that it’s so and the only comfort I can find is that I am aware that I’m not the only one.
There’s no rule stating that we have to always be the same. And I can’t remember signing a contract saying that I have to be the same person I was last year or three months ago, it doesn’t actually say anywhere that I can’t be totally different than I was three minutes ago. That’s also a change, an evolution, and growth. You move on, somehow, the only way you know how and even if it isn’t the right way, even if it’s not justified, it’s still you and that’s all you have to know. Sometimes, we spend the whole week just hardly waiting for Friday and then nothing happens on the weekend. Or we wait for the summer to fall wildly in love or simply let go of the inhibitions, and then we tiptoe around the warm season, which is nothing remarkable in itself. Nevertheless, we wait. As we do for that super nice dress we keep in the closet and for the red high heels, because they’re meant for a “special occasion”, even if it always turns out that there is no such occasion. Or rather, we can’t see it, so we don’t celebrate it as special. It’s similar to when we blame others for our own misfortune and refuse to admit that the misfortune is only within ourselves, because our thoughts keep us stuck in a moment and deny us permission to be happy. But it’s entirely our choice, it’s not up to others.
As the years go by, you start wearing eyeglasses. To me, it’s not just about correction glasses you wear, but a sort of internal spectacles you put on to start reading the soul, starting with your own. Can you even hear it? Do you take enough time to peacefully and quietly listen to what your heart is telling you? Are you able to be thankful for all the closed doors, locked windows and wrong turns you took simply because they weren’t your roads to travel in the first place and had you followed them, they would only lead you to a great abyss of emptiness? This empty space can be alluring for a day or two, perhaps, but then it becomes dismal. That’s why I firmly believe that there is someone watching over us carefully, turning us upside down every now and then; sometimes we fall on our behinds and can see all the stars, or we land on our feet and move on like nothing even happened. Either way, we should carry on and put a precious lesson away somewhere safe. Because yes, there is a force that sees the unseen and can hear the silence, a force much wiser than us that has the nerve to make a decision that we wouldn’t have, but only because we cannot see the whole, we can’t see the entire plan laid out, from a bird’s eye view. To me it seems we actually see very little.
A long time ago, a friend confided in me, saying he dreamt of a new life. About a place, where he would be a complete stranger to people and they would know nothing about him. And then he left. He simply vanished, like the shadow of a wind, without a trace, which has made me wonder at times, whether he was ever real. There is a desire for a new beginning in all of us, a desire to make fewer mistakes, look less at the past, hurt less, be wiser. All I can say, at the end of the day, is that a path is presented to each of us. Some of them are winding, some perfectly normal, and I don’t know, which one I would choose. Perhaps I could do with a few less wrinkles, but then again, I’m not sure I would still like the reflection in the mirror. There are days, when I wake up in the morning feeling so beat, that I barely recognize myself. And there are days, when I shine strongly as the sun, no cloud in sight, so proud to be alive. I always say, there are many shades of me, though I may not be aware of them all and others even less. It seems more important that I accept all of the shades and the fact that we cannot remain the same all the time.
And then I think: whatever it is, it’s me. Everything we’re going through in this moment is just preparing us for what we have asked.
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