Women don’t know how to stop

My mother taught me to how to be independent and keep up a good defence mechanism in place, an excellent system really, especially when everything goes wrong. The interesting part is, she taught me, how to defend myself with kindness, without resorting to words of anger or distastefull language, basically in a way that is the most annoying to the enemy. I think I am only now starting to fully comprehend her lesson, even though I am still far from her level of wisdom, I still have many miles to go and I stopped dreaming of catching up with her. My father gave me the passion for work and the stubbornness to never give up, especially when I am certain that I am on the right course. As an adult woman I have many roles to play and they’re each interesting in their own way: I am a mother, a partner, a friend, a boss and still a daughter, of course. There are moments when I would like to be small again and hide in my parents’ warm embrace, not having to be responsible for anything and responsibilities that make up my everyday. The concept of time is so undefined, because I never have enough of it to hang out and enjoy myself with people that mean a lot to me.

Photo: Robert Krumpak

Photo: Robert Krumpak

Photo: Robert Krumpak

I get the feeling sometimes that the world demands perfection of women , and it’s partly our own fault for trying so hard. In my house, for example, there is always a lot of cooking and baking going on, I always make sure that there is lunch on the table, with desert, if possible, even if that means that I have to do back flips and wag my tail. I don’t like store-bought deserts much, so I bake them myself and end up spending a lot of time in my kitchen. But I adore the smell of cinnamon and enjoy freshly baked cookies that are still warm, even though I know very well they’re not friendly to my stomach. Still, the cookies are less harmfull to us than high stress. I want my home to be tidy and clean, and I often get the urge to vacuum the rugs at eleven at night. It’s a good thing I have a healthy man by my side, who kindly reminds me that it may not be the best time to do that. And I enjoy ironing, I really do; it relaxes me even though I get tired after about three hours, seeing as how I usually iron late at night, when I am supposed to already be asleep. After I’m finished, I lie down and start thinking about how complicated and magical we are, witches really, and stronger than anybody realises.

Photo: Robert Krumpak

Photo: Robert Krumpak

Photo: Robert Krumpak

I don’t even know how to stop. I breathe deeply, counting to ten, to leave things where they are, because the world won’t fall apart, if I don’t take care of everything right this very moment. My friends are pretty much the same. I think that we only stop when the moon is high in the sky and the whole neighbourhood is fast asleep. I hope that you take some time for the silver moonlight, to stick your nose up high, really high, and try to catch some of its beauty. If you don’t yet, it’s about time you start catching these moments just for you. My day still has 24 hours, but I do everything during this time, same as you. I don’t even know when or how things happen, but they just do. There is no question whether there’s food in the fridge, or if the bills are paid, kids in day care, clean bed sheets, a show about to go on air, articles posted online and the script for an event written. I do tend to get lost in all the impeccability and fast pace, however. Sometimes, I would like to have a big button that says SHUT DOWN, and just press it. It would most likely not be for long, only a couple of hours to enjoy the perfect quietness of my home, with a book in my lap and some take-out Chinese on the table. As long as I have my inner peace, I don’t need much. But I am constantly alert, same as the women around me. Maybe we’re trying too hard to be perfect, to make everybody else’s wishes come true, to be good mothers and thoughtful wives; but there is a place in between, where you have to take the mask off, get rid of all the responsibilities and just be a human.

Photo: Robert Krumpak

Photo: Robert Krumpak

Photo: Robert Krumpak

Photo: Robert Krumpak

I often like to take over the part of a saviour and stand in the middle of a field like a true warrior, and don’t let anybody get close to the person I love and respect. But, I get the feeling that all the punches I take end up someplace, perhaps forming a hardened ball in my stomach; and sooner or later I have to face them. I used to spend a lot of time wondering, whether other people would do the same for me, if I could be the one receiving all the attention and love, but I don’t anymore. Deep down I know that everything I do, I am actually doing for myself and I choose to believe that I am creating my own destiny in this way.