I took part in a very interesting interview yesterday, and I have to admit the journalist did her homework, unearthing everything there is about me, and then some. This actually made me quite happy, because I get the feeling sometimes that there are fewer and fewer genuinely curious people, and we’ve all become used to doing things the copy/paste way. I miss the personal relationships and the magical human energy that sparks when two strangers meet, and start asking myself, if there’s a mysterious common invisible thread between them. I have to say this week has been very interesting and quite informative in many ways. You know how it is, with our rises and falls, and all you can do in between is wonder, how it will all turn out in the end. To get back to the conversation with the journalist – one of her questions in particular made me think: “When is a woman truly successful, and how was she able to get this far?” Now, I don’t even believe I’ve already reached my full potential, because I feel like that something new starts bubbling up every month, at first in my mind, and then in my heart, and sometimes the other way around. This inspires me to find endless possibilities and ways to make it happen; and just as often, it’s them that come find me. To me, a woman is successful when she is happy, when she is in perfect balance with herself, and she is strong enough to put herself first, because she knows that is the only way she can help others. But, am I really like that? I’m not convinced, probably not all the time – I actually have trouble putting myself first, because I would probably do it in the evening, before it’s time for bed, but by then the day is over, and it doesn’t matter as much anymore where I am. What I’m trying to say is, I still have a lot to learn at forty, including that alongside of being a mother, daughter, and partner, it is I, who comes before all of that.
And how did I manage to get to this point? Well, thinking back to the early days of my career, I was certainly not thinking that I will someday have my own show, website, travels, and do my dream job. I did however work tirelessly to make my wishes come true. It’s interesting, how all of those, connected to my job, were much clearer than the ones connected to my relationships. Those who know me well (there aren’t that many, unfortunately, but that’s my own fault), know that I have a golden rule: “No” doesn’t exist. Have you ever found yourself in front of a closed door? So have I. Have you met people that were completely inept, and their sole pleasures were envy and gloating? So have I. Have you ever fought against ignorance and “unintelligence”? So have I. Have there been many times when you were about to say “That does it, you can keep playing on your own.”? So have I. As you can see, we are all in the same boat together, oftentimes swimming against the current, take a little break now and then, and there are times we’re doing so well, we just want to freeze time. I thought about all the times I was feeling down and really didn’t feel like fighting people who often disappointed me, but in the end, I was able to stop myself and tell myself: “Maybe your expectations for them are just too high. Everybody has the right to be who they are.” Furthermore, everyone has the right to believe they can make your life a living hell, and that you will end up mulling over all the mean words and actions that slowly, subtly crawl under your skin, like the most potent poison. But, you know, that is the moment you have to close the door, turn the key and put it safely in your pocket, stretch out on the sofa, and close your eyes. I could add a couple of words that I make sure to (mentally) say to a lot of people, but I chose to keep them to myself, to preserve the elegance of my writing style.
Things often come to us in unexpected ways. I don’t believe in coincidences, so I would say they came because we focused on them powerfully enough to summon them, thus making sure they would eventually change our lives. Then, it’s up to us to sense, whether they’re interesting, kind, positive, ticklish and good enough to take them for our own and simply dare. I believe we should never lose our curiosity or stop dreaming big dreams, ones so big that at first they seem impossible. So what. They are our own and it’s their job to open up parallel worlds for us, or paths that become our calling. If you ask me now, whether I believe that I always made the right choice to get to where I am now, my answer is no. I made quite a few mistakes, but in the end I knew how to make them work to my advantage. I don’t even know, how I did that, perhaps it’s women’s intuition and our ability to not lose too much sleep over the world in general. Being a media personality makes a lot of people appreciate you, and a lot that don’t and would be more than happy to see life run over you. I can’t say I understand that part, because I always say there is plenty of space for everyone, but I can also safely say at my age that the reason probably lies in problematic upbringing and personal unhappiness. This only directs you further away from happiness, because envy and gloating won’t get you very far. Even if you’re not TV editors or TV show hostesses, I believe you have found yourselves in similar situations. Maybe you’re even stuck in one right now, and it may seem like there is no way out. But if the door is closed, try the windows. If there aren’t any, look for a cellar. And if there is no cellar, there must be a roof with a chimney, and even if the whole neighbourhood is telling you you’re foolish, remember there is such a thing as earplugs, and vertigo inducingly high heels to boost your confidence.
No simply isn’t a word in my vocabulary. I hear it every day, and I don’t give it a second thought. I hear it at work, at home, from my friends and in society. That is when I start counting sheep: “One, two, three …”, I focus on my breathing, and I visualise my heart as an open box, lined with velvet and filled with love. Like I said, those who know me, know it has no effect on me, and as for the rest, I think they’re going to wrap their heads around it sooner or later.