My darlings, what can I say? I have been busy writing these days, and drawing, then erasing and starting over again. I’m a woman after all, so I think you know the feelings that usually overpower us at the beginning of a new year and don’t fade until December, when the twinkling lights turn on in the streets again, and all is well. The start of a new year is like a blank page, it allows for everything. New stories, new people, new vows. Probably lots of goals as well, that we can achieve, if we really put our mind to it. I feel like a fairy godmother and when I wave my magic wand, there’s a cloud of vanilla scented star-strewn goodness, which is how I imagine heaven will look like. So, a blank white page that smells of new and bares no trace of the old, because of the magic I just did, only new opportunities, kindness and a wish that everything would always be in its place. That is why I sit here in my favorite kitchen and it seems like I’m a good housekeeper, because everything is tidy and clean, the wood has a pleasant smell, the floors are shining, the cookies are freshly baked and there is a blue table in front of me, which still excites me just as much as it did the first time I saw a picture of it in a catalogue, and knew it would be mine. My world is safe. So safe I have an extra set of keyes just in case, and more locks, because you never know. Even though there are several doors, I think you can only enter through the front. It’s up to you, if you find it or not, because I usually don’t give any tips.
I like to write and I always keep a diary close: on the table, in my bag, in the closet, hidden in the kitchen, even though everybody knows where it is, but I like to imagine they don’t. The pen sometimes makes a scratching noise and the sight of blue ink still mesmerizes me and seems so mysterious and elegant, like it did when I was in school. I start jotting down bullet points as I think about what I want to put in the words, and it seems as though the list will never end. I’m not afraid to want more or want a lot, because I know there is enough of everything, and for me, wishes and feelings are independent of credit cards, there is no store or website to order them from. On the other hand, I feel lucky to be an independent woman, who doesn’t expect gifts. I prefer a nice gesture, a kind word. A hug without grouching, an occasional compliment that makes my heart skip a beat. I still sometimes feel like I’m reaching for the moon, or at least I’m trying to find it within, and I often forget it’s always there and shines simply because it’s part of me, regardless of others. Sometimes, you wake up and don’t even know why. You just stop accepting insults, because you realize you don’t deserve them. I have some cleaning up to do at work, but I have great gloves, detergent, broom and vacuum, and as a witch, I can draw everything to the surface to get rid of the stain. An old, unnecessary and bothersome stain. I’m talking about people, just so that we’re on the same page.
I find it interesting, the way every person has their own view of me. Some think I’m boring, others believe I’m talented. Some see me as quiet and calm, others say I’m wild. Mostly, I’m a riddle. To myself, as well. That is why I often feel the urge to write down my thoughts and share them with you, always hoping that I touch a heart and find likeness there. I’m chasing dreams, whether they’re good or bad, either way, the road travelled is a new experience. And life is truth, neither white nor black, sometimes tinged grey, sometimes polka dot, sometimes striped, even floral, if you know how to look and want to see. I suppose many people are blind and even more are deaf; and I realize it’s not our mission in life to change those we meet along the way, but I still sometimes wish I would try. I feel like a teacher, I know I’m far from being perfect, but this force is so strong it sometimes leaves me tired and defeated, because there may not be a path to every heart. Sometimes it all ends earlier, but the question is, do we even realize it? I start making a list to empty my head, which is full of thoughts, and I want to include people on the list, but I can’t, because everyone has their own story and their own will, and they’re not always in harmony with my own expectations. It’s actually very rare.
Dear 2018, I will try to be better. Please, give me more time and organizational skills, so I can meet my friends for coffee more often and tell them I care. I promise to buy a new sofa, which is something I’ve been saying for the last three years, but I’m really going to do it this time and I’m not going to get upset, if juice or gum gets on it, because that’s part of life. I promise to exercise more and take better care of my body, because when I get undressed in front of a mirror, I can see I’m not 20 anymore, and I’m always wondering, if I’ll make it home in one piece, when I play volleyball. I am grateful I haven’t hurt myself so far. I will start new projects, big ones, including a new website and a step into the unknown, and I will not be afraid to make the jump this time. I will put my heart and soul into it, take a deep breath, close my eyes and set out on this new adventure. I promise to travel more and keep track of things I miss so much right now. I know it’s my life and I know these things make me happy. I won’t forget about the people I love (and there are many) and try to explain to them each time that I am who I am, because they’re by my side. I’m not flawless, I’m not perfect, but I am the best I know how to be.
Today is a day, when I want to forget the past, forgive myself and start over.
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